Poisoned.

I feel like absolute crap right now. After Shawn Le's birthday party, I came home at about 5 in the morning and decided to eat the leftover noodle soup my dad had made for me for dinner because I was buzzed and hungry. The soup wasn't refridgerated like it should have been but instead it was just left in the pot on the stove. I didn't think too much of it so I just reheated it and ate it.

After I ate it, I put on something to watch to put me to sleep because that's the only way I can sleep these days--I need background noise. I COULD NOT FALL ASLEEP. It was the most irritating thing ever. I did everything possible to try to lull myself to fall asleep: watch tv, read a boring book, put on the sounds of ocean waves, etc etc etc. Didn't work. I had this throbbing headache that just tortured me. I didn't sleep all night and it was not until 2:30PM when I finally fell asleep.

Now, I feel sick and queasy. My stomach is upset, I feel like throwing up, and all I wanna do is bang my head against the wall. I'm debating whether or not I should take Nyquil to force myself to fall asleep later.

Damn that noodle soup or whatever it is that made me feel this way. I should have just let myself go to bed hungry.

Not so Merry Christmas.

It's Christmas time, and everybody is supposed to be in a jolly mood. I'm at home, my parents are sleeping, and my brothers are all scattered all over the place this year. I wish my family did the whole Christmas shenanigans but you know...we're Chinese so we don't really partake in "American" traditions. So yeah, this Christmas is going to be a little lonely.

So I'm back at home in Boston, and it feels good to see my family and friends again. It brings me back to the days when life was so simple, and how I used to live in this happy bubble of comfort and convenience. Everything kind of came easy and I knew where I belonged. It was stable. Now, ever since venturing out to SF and building a sort of new.. "subset" life.. life kind of got complicated. Over the past few days, I've reflected on the progress, the set backs, and the changes I've made. I must admit... I've made some poor decisions and as much as I'd like to dwell on it and regret, I know the show must go on. No use in crying over spilt milk, right?

I wonder why I attract the guys I do. I used to think that the problem was them, but maybe it's me. Why am I bait for guys who are either assholes, misguided, involved in relationships, or just plain bad for me? I haven't done anything to attract them, I am just the way I am, so why does this always happen to me? It's really frustrating to watch my friends find and settle in happy relationships while I'm stuck in a damaged relationship that I'm too afraid to let go of because it's become convenient and easy to manage. Since when did I allow myself to settle for convenience?

I think the problem probably lies in this facade I set for myself. Sure, I'm strong willed, tough skinned, and can fend for myself... the typical image of someone who's obviously afraid of being hurt again because the feeling of betrayal and disappointment has become all too familiar. I used to be that girl who let herself get set up for all those games. Not anymore. I've become that monster I used to detest. How pathetic.

But there is no point for self-loathing, because that would be even more pathetic. So to keep my dignity, I never let the public see this inner battle with myself. And unless I come out a winner, nobody will have to know the truth, because living in a lie is just easier.